This episode, we ask you all to take us down to Raccoon City, where the herbs are green and the ammo’s scanty — Take. Us. Home. We sneak into a supposedly disused mansion to investigate a branded spinoff and read Resident Evil: The Umbrella Conspiracy, by S.D. Perry, a (completely rad) novelization of the first Resident Evil video game. If you haven’t had the pleasure, or if you’ve only seen one or five of the recent movies, never fear, for we’re part of a crack task force and we’d never leave one of our own behind.
Check your pockets, and keep your eyes peeled for shiny things — and always, always, watch out for snakes! Because this book has E V E R Y T H I N G: zombie mutants of several different kinds; traps; puzzles; betrayal; blackmail; claws; indoor sharks and skinless dogs; unattended boiler rooms; switches Barry definitely shouldn’t have touched; full bladders needing attention. Leave your flashlights behind for some reason and come with us to hydroplane into fame, and see if we can find any safety, living under … the Umbrella ella ella (Corporation).
Extra Special Bonus “Paradise City” Lyrics Rewritten to Be About Raccoon City:
I’m just a hell beast tearing up all the street
Got a long tongue, looking for some faces to eat
Sorry, kind of ran out of steam at that point.